Change and a lesson I am learning

Back in January I started kicking around the idea of getting certified in something I was very passionate about.  I was terrified because you see, I do not like to fail.  This would be a course that I would do at home in front of my computer, which was nice, but the fear of failure was huge in me.  I talked it over with family, friends and our small group.  Everyone encouraged me to go for it.  So, I stepped out in faith and signed up.  I received the materials and instantly thoughts starting running through my mind.  You know the ones, “What have I done?”  “I can’t do this”  “I’m gonna fail.”  Honestly I wanted to send it all back and explain that I had a momentary bought of crazy.  I didn’t, and I pressed on studying daily and driving a few friends crazy.  It was tough, it was a lot of work, I was enjoying what I was learning, but then the change occurred.

March came and our lives changed.  We lost Natalie at the end of month.  Words cannot even explain the loss of a loved one much less a child.  I was her mom, I was her caregiver, I was her advocate.  Life changed with in a matter of 2 days.  She was home in glory and I was broken on earth.  But God, (I love those two words) in His grace and mercy started the change process in me.  I had called the school about my course and they were so sorry and told me to take my time.  The days turned into weeks.  We were trying to find our new normal.  It was so surreal.  Our hearts were hurting, grief is an invader.  We were trying to work through it, in our own ways.  In a way I went numb, just pushing through the days, checking off my to do lists and collapsing into bed thankful to be able to shut down emotions.  I would roam around during the day wondering what to do now.  So, I did what I do and I called back the school, set the date for my exam and started cramming…no, studying again.  This time though it was different.  The zeal wasn’t there…I felt God calling me out and to the new.  Really, but I thought this was what I was called too?  Terrified, exam day came.  What if I fail?  What will others think?  Amazed, I passed, I was excited and thought, okay, this is what I am to do…God allowed me to pass the test.  Well, our thoughts and ways are not His and I was about to find that out again!

It’s funny how once you get something, you sometimes realize that it’s really not what you wanted.  At the time I was reading a book and read this, ” Or he (God) might redirect you to something new, and you’ll find that the original dream isn’t what he had in mind after all.”   This line in the book rocked my world.  You see with the zeal gone, no doors opening in the certification..none, I started asking God if this was his plan for me.  On top of the book and the lack of open doors,  I had a sweet friend mentoring me about living a surrendered life daily (that is a post for later)  I desired to live that way and to do that we are called to radical obedience.  That fear began to rise again.  The thoughts rolling around in my head, “what will people say if I don’t do anything with my certification?”  “How will that look, all that work for nothing”  Then another line from the book shook my spirit.  It talks about how if you spiritual journey is dull,  then a deep dive into an adventure with Jesus might be what you need.  Okay, this gal loves an adventure and that is exactly what I started praying about.  I wanted God to use me and take me on an adventure only he could lead.  It was a radical prayer but something stirred in me.  Excitement, passion, joy, thankfulness and peace.  You see, I was so worried about the approval of  man and not about approval of God…ouch!  Scripture says:

Galatians 1:10

 Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.

I started pondering, really thinking of my spiritual gifts and how God can use me.  I remember my friend talking to me about surrendering daily to Christ.  What does that look like, how does that work?  So I prayed, for guidance and direction.  I can state boldly that God is faithful.  When we seek Him with our whole hearts, he delivers.  Yes, doors were not opening to what I thought was my calling, but you see God had a different plan for me and I truly believe he wasn’t allowing those doors to open.  I believe until I proclaimed that I desired to live surrendered daily to Him, no doors were going to open.  God desires relationship with each one of us.  It takes discipline because life is busy and crazy.  We all have hectic schedules but that is why his word says to be still and know I am God, Psalm 46:10.  Know Him, yes!  I can say that yes, I still enjoy the activity my certification is in.  I can say that I am glad I did it, I believe God taught me about courage.  I can also say the adventure I am now on is all HIM!  Yes, a door has opened and I walked through!  It’s scary because I am living surrendered to the call, but it is very exciting.  I will be learning a lot but isn’t that the part of the journey?  Plus, in the adventure I get to see God work, grow me, and feel Him.  That’s an adventure I would never pass up.  I can’t wait to share with you in the upcoming posts about it!!  Stay tuned….

IMG_2755(A sweet friend gave me one of these bracelets that has DREAM on it and I became hooked.  My collection is growing, they have all kinds of words to pick from and you pick the color of your band.  I LOVE this one!  Go check them out.  Their story is incredible!)

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